The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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