Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
