the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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