Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I am available for nakedness
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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