It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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