I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
