I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
