Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
