i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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