dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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