I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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