How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
