Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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