OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
