Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
