Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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