I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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