you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
