There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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