he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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