Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
