Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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