Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
