Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
