i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
