I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
