You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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