just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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