The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
