I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize