I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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