Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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