Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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