shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Randomize
