Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
