i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's shark week go big or go home
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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