my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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