I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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