i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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