Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
