Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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