Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
