dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So much rum. So many feels.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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