the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
