So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
