party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
