My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
