Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
what day is it and did you see me today?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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