I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
