My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
