i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
