My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
